True Friends

So I wrote this for a paper in my ALC class and thought it would make a good blog (:

A true friend will tell you the truth, even when you don’t want to hear it. I think this is 100% true. A lot of the times if I start doing something I would want my friend to tell me even if it is kind of harsh. For example my best friend told me before that whenever I would meet one of her friends that I didn’t know that I would glare at them. The thing is I didn’t even notice I was doing this. So after a couple times she told me this was happening and I apologized and told her I would work on it. It wasn’t something I wanted to hear considering I really didn’t think I was doing but it’s something I needed to do so I could work on it. True friends need to tell each other things even when they don’t want to hear it because it’s much better to hear it from a close friend to hear it from some stranger using an attitude. If true friend can’t tell you the truth about things then they aren’t really a true friend. I like having friends that we can just be totally honest and open with each other and we don’t have to worry about being judged, them telling someone else, or them being offended.  After all, most of us choose not to continue with friendships where we are lied to regularly or our confidences are routinely betrayed. We choose not to associate with those who speak badly of us behind our backs. And yet, all too often, we refused to listen to true friends when they try to tell us things that we don’t want to hear. I admit that I’ve been on both sides of this equation in the past. I’ve turned my back on some people who tried to tell me the truth about myself, my choices or my actions because I did not want to hear it. I’ve also lost friends because I told them the truths that they did not want to hear. I regret those I pushed away for telling me the truth, although I have regained many of those friendships. Hearing the truth from a true friend can help you thinks things through more before you do them. I’m glad that I have true friends that can tell me the truth when I’m doing something wrong. Realize that a friendship without truth isn’t a true friendship.

Milky Way Galexy

Lately i have been so blessed by God. Slowly, I have come to the realization that i am nothing…I’m so unworthy of His love. Who am I that God would send His Son, Jesus to die for my sins? Who am I that i should be rescued?

In my whole Christian life, I have never been humbled by God like this…The thought of me waking up every morning is a great blessing already, because it’s only by His grace that i’m still alive.

Things has happened the last months and I have never ever seen so many deaths in my life…deaths of those near me, and possible deaths of those who are with me right now. But even if these things happen, one thing comes into my mind…

Everything happens for the glory and honor of God!

Things may seem aweful in our eyes, but God has a plan for it…like for example – the death of Lazarus. When he died everybody was telling Jesus, “Why didn’t you come sooner…and now Lazarus is dead.” and for the first time Jesus wept (John 11:35). You know why He cried? It wasn’t because his dear friend died. it was because of the lack of faith of the people there. Later on He said, “These thing has occurred that you people would believe that My Father has sent me…”

Life may seem unfair all the time, but what’s unfair is when an Innocent Person pays for the sins of all. Be thankful that God didn’t say, “It’s unfair! why do I have to sacrifice myself to those sinners (Romans 3:23)…i’ll just kill them all and damn them to Hell (Romans 6:23) because they deserve it…they don’t even recognize My deity and believe all these man-made theories that proclaim that I don’t exist.” But He didn’t. Instead, He gave us something that we don’t deserve…Grace. (John 3:16)

It’s your choice if you want to see life as a peice of crap. But if you come to realize how crappy Jesus’ (GOD) life here on earth was? my goodness…nothing can compare to it. Imagine, dying on a cross, humiliated, rejected, spit on, whipped, beaten, given a crown of thorns that He never deserve…WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE ON THAT CROSS!!! BUT NOOOO! He took that from us that we may be saved. Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice…

but it didn’t end there…He didn’t just die like those other people who are worshipped nowadays…He didn’t remain in that tomb. He showed that HE IS GOD! He resurrected Himself from the dead! Isn’t that amazing?

Why am i writing these things? Because i know that we will never know when we will die. We never know when God’s grace will end in our lives…It’s up to you if you will still continue living like a fool and try to make your way to Heaven by doing good deeds when in truth you can’t (Ephesians 2:8-9)…I may sound preachy and all, but this is the truth…AND THE TRUTH HURTS! We can’t buy our way to Heaven nor can our loved ones do that for us because nothing good can come out from us…IMAGINE THIS: TRASH MAKES TRASH. simple as that. and let’s face it, WE ARE TRASH IN THE SIGHT OF GOD! but out of His love, He died for trash like us. So, it’s your call…will you accept that sacrifice that He has given to you and be washed by Him and be made clean?

How can you look at this world, look up into the sky, and look at the billions of stars in the sky layed out as a bill board for us to see everyday, and now belive that a wonderful awesome God created that. He spoke it all into it’s being. Humans can’t even get out of this galexy so how could you not believe that an amzing GIGANTIC God created all around you. Our life is but a small speck, and people doen’t even realize it.

I love you all, and God loves for you is far more greater than my love…I’m sharing my faith to you because it is the truth! I don’t want to see more of my friends and loved ones die without knowing Christ as their Saviour. It hurts…but this is the least I can do.:)

What I Look For In A Guy

Okay well first off and most important I want a guy that truly loves god and wont just say that to get with me. Im so tired of dating guys that are atheist or ‘change’ so they can be with me cause they know im a christian. Im just sick of that because then i know that in the end of the relationship chances are we wont even be friends anymore because our relationship wasnt based on something. I hate hook ups… i want a relationship that is based on God. I’ve realized lately that your either in a relationship and you get married, or your in a relationship and you break up. That break up can either be awful and the girl and maybe even the guy is depressed and upset, or you break up and you can look back and say wow that was a great relationship im sad it didn’t work out but im happy that i got to know that person better and can still be great friends. I also believe that before a relationship happens that the boy that i want to/might date MUST BE MY BROTHER IN CHRIST FIRST. That is a huge one because if he isn’t a brother in christ first then how will you know that the relationship will work out. Most of the time if they aren’t friends before a friendship there is no chance that it will work out because they didnt get to know each other and find out if they really like each other. I must see his willingness to protect me, edify me, and encourage me so that I am are constantly transforming into the woman of Proverbs 31. Thats were trust comes in.. if I can trust a guy as a friend then I can be sure that I can trust him in the relationship, trust that he’ll be there for me, that he wont just abandon me, trust that he wont cheat on me, and trust that after its all said and done we would still be able to be good friends. Ive had a lot of relationship troubles in the past and I’ve realized I do have to set my standards higher so I can protect myself from getting hurt anymore. I can’t wear my heart on my sleeve. Purity is also I big thing. I’ve done a lot of things that I am in noooooo way proud of &+ if I could go back and do it again I totally would. A relationship can’t be based on making out or whatever it might be… I would never make out with my brother in christ (: thats a little disturbing haha. What do you think about making out with your sister in christ? (: A little creepy right? I ain’t into the whole courting thing really, but I do think there has to be boundaries and those boundaries have to be agreed on and can’t be broken. Don’t think that I don’t care about the guys feelings because I do. I know that the guys, no matter who they are, how much they love God, or how much they care about the girl, they will still have lustful thoughts and thats where scripture comes in. In dating relationships, if the two parties have gone too far physically, they have tied their emotions and personal wholeness to what was physical. So when one or both decides that it isn’t going to work, devastation is what remains in the heart of one or both. I think that the guy that I date needs to jump through hoops to prove that he cares and likes/loves me, because if he does he would do anything to prove that he cares and not loose me. Dont think I’m crazy it’s not like I would tell him to jump off a bridge (: But he would have to prove to me that he really does care. That’s mostly the big points of what I would want in a guy.I know that no guy is perfect. I’ve just realized I need to start setting my standards higher and if I find a guy thats man enough to live up to these standards then I will know that he truly cares (: Sorry this is kinda long lol.

Needing both church and God?

Today I was talking to an old friend and noticed that he had changed a lot. When I asked him about it he said he still loved God but in a short sense didn’t go to church anymore. We got into a descusion about and he said every church he’s been to used to beg for money and made him feel like he was worthless… he’s a sinner, he knows it, God knows it, God knows he loves him more than anything, so, he’s not part of any religion anymore, he found many church members being very judgmental and make him feel guilty if he’s not a saint.. Plus, he’s happier than I have ever been.

I thought about it and responded with this. A lot of those things are true about the church. Every church you go to will be different in it’s own way. Just like every person is differet  you won’t go to a church that is exaclty the same. In some churches you’ll find some of these things and others you won’t.

So do you have to go to a church to be a christian, to love god? I don’t think you do. If you don’t though you have to find some way to keep your faith strong. For me it’s important to go to church because I learn better from it. Also it keeps my accountable. I don’t think I could remember to pray, read my bible, praise God,  and depend on him without church. I can go there and release how I’m feeling and just a place to feel fabulous.

I really think that to stay a strong christian it’s important to go to church but if you don’t you have to make sure that there is some way there your accountable to staying true to God.

Open Your Eyes Girl

She feels alone then again she feels you there, maybe it’s just a confused feeling. She has no clue what to think. People are always leaving, she asks her self why she should even think about trusting anyone. What god would come from it this time. You start to think to  yourself this person, this boy, this friend, there totally different but your only fooling yourself. Your also only fooling yourself when  you put on that fake smile to show the world your happy. Let’s be real now, what does she think she’ll get from this? She’s only making it harder on her self. Why won’t she see the truth, she needs to see she is dearly loved. Not just by the ones around her by also by her wonderful, king, father, best friend, healer, provider, shelter, rock, & so much more! When will she see this, when will she feel this? He loves her more than anyone does, more then she can comprehend! Open your eyes girl, see the light. Lost & crying, broken & shattered, knocked down & cut. You know the pain you feel it everyday. Walking down a hall full of hundreds of people but yet you feel so alone, the only one. You cry out just for someone to understand. They don’t hear you though. You’re blind to see the one carrying you all the way. He never left your side. Open your eyes  girl! He believed in  you even when nothing came from trying, he believed in  you even when you were lost & crying. There’s so much worth living for. Open your eyes girls, open your eyes!

What’s Going On?

Lately I’ve felt just so awful, emotionally and physically. Yeah part of it is probably just cause I’ve been sick for a couple weeks but I’m not sure. There’s no doubt that this is the worst school year ever, nothing has gone right. From losing a mama, to a boyfriend, to being sick in the hospital. I keep wishing I could crawl in my bed with my ipod and teddy bear and just stay there for a couple months until summer and escape all of the stress and crap. I feel like God saves me then leaves me.  I know it’s not trust but it sure feels like it. Don’t get me wrong I have amazing people in my life still, like Sabrina and Abbey, my little sisters, and a couple close friends. I still don’t feel satisfied I’m thankful but there’s still something missing, and I know what that is. When the whole world is on my shoulders I don’t want people anymore I want God. I want me to hold him in his arms and tell me everything will be okay. I want to stop going to sleep crying, and stop waking up crying. I just want peace. I want to know what’s wrong with me. Why I’m such an emotional mess.

If Today Was Your Last Day

My best friend gave me the best advice 
He said each day’s a gift and not a given right 
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind 
And try to take the path less traveled by 
That first step you take is the longest stride 

If today was your last day 
Tomorrow was too late 
Could you say goodbye to yesterday? 
Would you live each moment like your last? 
Leave old pictures in the past 
Donate every dime you have? 
If today was your last day 

Against the grain should be a way of life 
what´s worth the prize is always worth the fight 
Every second counts ’cause there´s no second try 
So live like you´ll never live it twice 
don´t take the free ride in your own life 

If today was your last day 
Tomorrow was too late 
Could you say goodbye to yesterday? 
Would you live each moment like your last? 
Leave old pictures in the past 
Donate every dime you have? 
Would you call old friends you never see? 
Reminisce old memories 
Would you forgive your enemies? 
Would you find that one you´re dreamin’ of? 
Swear up and down to God above 
That you finally fall in love 
If today was your last day 

If today was your last day 
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart? 
You know it´s never too late to shoot for the stars 
Regardless of who you are 
So do whatever it takes 
‘Cause you can´t rewind a moment in this life 
Let nothin’ stand in your way 
Cause the hands of time are never on your side 

If today was your last day 
Tomorrow was too late 
Could you say goodbye to yesterday? 

Would you live each moment like your last? 
Leave old pictures in the past 
Donate every dime you have? 
Would you call old friends you never see? 
Reminisce old memories 
Would you forgive your enemies? 
Would you find that one you´re dreamin’ of? 
Swear up and down to God above 
That you finally fall in love 
If today was your last day

My Dream

It appears that I’m in the basement of some place. I take another turn, down a long, dark hallway– the walls and floor all concrete. There’s no sign of anything- no doors or windows and not a living creature to speak of. It’s almost as if I’m between two buildings, in an underground tunnel maybe. I walk quickly, the clink of my shoes making an echoing song. It seems the farther I get, the darker the tunnel becomes.

“Hello?” I call out, my voice echoing. I stop a moment, my heart pumping hard, and turn to look behind me. But it’s just as dark; I can barely see my hand in front of my face.

I turn back around. There’s a light of some sort at the very end of the tunnel- a bright, blazing whiteness that glows, like fireworks.

“Courtney,” whispers a female voice. I move toward the light, toward her voice, squinting to try and see something, to try and make out any movement. A hill runs over my shoulders. I wrap my sweatshirt tightly around me, noticing how I can’t stop shaking, how everything smells like citrus.

“Courtney,”she whispers again.

“Who are you?” I ask,

Her shawdown passes before the light, causing a flickering.

“Come this way or you will pay.”

I move closer, wondering if she’s on the other side now, hoping it might be the way out.

“Come this way or you will pay,” she repeats.

She has a child’s voice, but I don’t recognize it. “Who are you?” I demand, confident that it isn’t Kaili.

She appears before the light once more and I’m able to see her silhouette. She has long flowing hair that blows back with the intensity of the glow. It appears as thought she’s draped in a gown of some sort, and she’s carrying something-maybe a stick of a wand. It has long, star-like spikes that spout from the top.

I’m not coming any farther unless you tell me who you are,” I shout.

She reaches for something in her pocket. I think it’s a ball. She sets it on the ground and hear it roll toward me- a low, pattering sound against the ground. As it gets closer, I notice that it’s making a trail of liquid. I reach down to  stop the ball from rolling, but just as I do, it sicks into the rising stream, as though it’s sprung a leak.

“Why the frown? Scared to drown?”

“No!” I shriek from the mere toxicity of the word drown.

I go to step out of the water but it’s all around me now, up to my ankles and getting deeper by the moment. I reach down into the water again, in search of the ball, hoping that if I pull it out, the water will stop. I think I feel it; there’s a round, rubbery object by my left alf. I go to pull it upward, but something grabs my wrists. I hear myself scream out. Water flows in harder, up to my knees now. Using all the strength in my legs, I pull upward. There’s a pair of the palest hands wrapped around my wrists. It’s the girl. She’s strong, almost stronger than me, and she wants to pull me under.

“No!” I scream out. My breath quickens. My legs shake. I twist and turn my wrists, trying to pry her away. I kick around under the water, but the weight of the rippling stream makes it difficult. 

Taking a giant breath, I anchor my weight into my feet and thrust my arms upward. The gir’s grip on my wrists breaks and I see the water wave, a giant ripple that crashes against my thighs. There’s a glow of light that swims its way up the stream, beneath the water, back toward the source of light at the end of the tunnel.

“Who are you?” I shout out.

It’s silent for several seconds, but then I hear her breathe; it’s all around me. “I may look like a little girl to you, but I’m really a mother of a girl so blue. She needs your help, that’s no life. And if you don’t, that boy will die.”

“Die??” I ask. “Who?”

“Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead,” she sings.

 

Do You Here Me?

people see me crying,
its really no surprise that on the inside im dying.
i lost two people who meant the world to me,
just to figure out that it will never be.
its amazing how all things come down to trust,
now everythings gone. blown away in the dust.
things will never be the same,
and i have other people to blame.
i try and be nice, sweet as can be,
but people always hurt me, they leave me down on my knees.
ill never understand why people can be so cruel,
sometimes i wonder if mean is the new cool.

I don’t know what to do, I try, and cry, and I look for answers but no matter where I turn I’m still confused. I love when I can feel God so strong, when I go to the tracks and feel peaceful on the hill.

The other night ago I told a “friend”[?] about some things I did. I didn’t think she cared and I said” I didn’t know I was supposed to tell you”, and she said “of course you’re supposed to tell me.” Something about that stuck in my head. I slept on it and thought about it waiting for God to speak to me and tell me if it was just more then words, if she really care, or what was going on. Unfortunatly he hasn’t answered me yet, I’m still waiting though. I need to stop hiding so much and not be so scared to trust though.

If God is so real, I have no doubt that he will help me get through this. I have to do my part, I have to change. It’s oh so hard, waiting for someone to here me, someone to come and rescue me. I know who that someone is, if only I had more faith to trust in him. Do I have to scream for him to hear me, for you to hear me. Does it have to hurt this much. Come and save my soul and make me new. Help me find the way through.

Music Addict

So if you know me then you absolutely know I’m addicted to music. Lately this addiction has gotten very strong or whatever haha. So here is some of my favorite quotes from some of my favorite songs right now.

I need a new beginning Lord I’ve gone astray Take this life make it yours Do what’s right oh Lord You got to take this life take this life.

I don’t know how you swallow all I am when I can’t stand my taste. All I know is that you gave everything so let that be enough. 

Tomorrow turned to yesterday And I don’t know how Tell me what can stop this river of tears Tell me how to say goodbye.

 I’ll sing along to every song I would write there to through the good times the bad ones too.

I’ve made my mistakes. I’ve got nowhere to run, the night goes on as I’m fading away. Everybody’s screaming, I try to make a sound but no one hears me. 

**Add more later**